laceblade

I was just thinking about the life of a pumpkin. Grow up in the sun, happily entwined with others, and then someone comes along, cuts you open, and rips your guts out.
-Buffy

Speaking of Buffy....Joss Whedon has a new show! It will be Faith the Vampire Slayer starring the actress who played Faith in Buffy. The premise sounds.....whoa. But still. The land of television is better when Joss Whedon is a part of it.
What the hell, I hope this doesn't mean that new issues of Runaways will be even more delayed.

WTF, I am so lazy. How can it be so difficult to be productive? To actually do the things I am required to do? Apparently, it is so difficult. I am huddled over a large candle that's between me and the laptop. Warmth = win.

I went out for dinner tonight with Antoine and some friends at a Vietnamese place. It was pretty delicious, although I ate too much, and now I kinda feel like I'm gonna die. Shits.

I need to change my freaking background on my blog, too. It's too damn happy to be mine.

It has been a good weekend. Kristy, my friend and Chad (roommate/friend)'s fiance, is here visiting, as she is on fall break. We went out for lunch yesterday, and then after Anime Club we all went out for a drink, and it was a good time. Steph has also given me a henna tattoo which encompasses the entire back of my right hand. Only a day later did I remember that I'm not allowed to have exposed tattoos at work....hopefully no one will notice!

Ugh, writing this Women's Studies paper has been so much more involved than it should have been. I think it's probably the weirdest assignment I've had here. The subject is on female sexuality, which makes sense because it's a Biology and Disease class. We had to interview three people, and have to incorporate their thoughts into the paper. Okay. Their thoughts on seven different topics. Oh, and integrate four specific articles and the information contained within them - but you are not allowed to quote them. Also, I've never used APA style before, and the page in my copy of the book containing three of the articles is used, and the copyright page was ripped out, so I don't know what year it was published in.

Anyway, it's done now, for better or worse. That's how I've felt about everything I've had to do for school so far this semester. I can't bring myself to care. At all. I'm lucky that I enjoy reading for my classes, or I might not be able to bring myself to do even that.

I'm still fixated on figuring out what I want to do after graduation. In elementary school through high school, I always swore to myself and to others that I would never care how much money I made, so long as I loved my job. In a way, this is still true, but somewhere along the line, probably when teachers and adults started telling me that I was "smart," I began to fill steadily with ambition. Even now, with an incredibly average GPA, that ambition is still there. The jobs that seem easily within reach for my first year out of school are "not good enough" in my mind. I still don't care how much money I make, but I long for a job that will make people say or think, "Wow," when I tell them what I do. Sometimes, people do this now when I tell them that I work at the Capitol, and usually I do not have the heart to tell them that I earn what people make at Wal-Mart, and that I sit in the basement most of the time.
When did I become so self-involved and narcissistic? It's disgusting. But it's still something that I need to work through. I know that my life-long dream was to be a famous novelist, but once I realized that I would first need a day-job, I focused on college and picking majors, and stopped writing. And every time, like now, when I think, "Well, maybe I should just DO it," I am exhausted and ready to go to sleep.

I did manage to fit in an episode of Buffy this weekend, so I'm now halfway through season 4. Why do they always put featurettes that contain spoilers for the rest of the season on the mid-way disc?? It's mean! But watching Giles sing in those clips was absolutely amazing. I know that Buffy has a musical episode, but I'm so excited to hear Giles, 'cause he's actually good. "Hush" was amazing - almost all of the episode was done without the spoken word, and I loved it. The villains were also incredibly creepy. Riley is interesting. In the latest episode I watched, in which Riley attempted to define his relationship with another character (I'm purposely being vague to prevent spoilers....so beware of the comments!), the way he was speaking suddenly felt incredibly strongly of Mal, from Firefly. In fact, he kind of even looks like Mal. Does anyone else make this connection?
Favorite Characters Right Now: Buffy, SPIKE, Riley

Spike: Come on, vampires, rrrr, nasty! Let's annihilate them. For justice, and for... the safety of puppies and Christmas, right?

Indeed, life is bearable because I am so easily diverted.

Ugh, the last couple of days have sucked a lot. I have a midterm at 11:00 today, and I'll be glad when it's over. It'll probably be scary, though. I was all settled in to study last night, and then, of course, I fell asleep until 2:30am. I then studied until 3:30 and went to sleep. And now I feel exhausted. It just sucks. I'm probably about as prepared for the midterm as I would be anyway, but I had really wanted to work on a paper that I have due Monday, as today I'll get a take-home exam emailed to me, and will then have two things to worried about.

I just hope that I can get a lot done tomorrow at work.

I received the grades for the presentation and paper I've done already in my Women in Medieval Literature class, and they were both really good. Now, though, I'm afraid to get my Women's Studies midterm back. The last thing I need is a confidence-destroyer right before my other English midterm!

Bahhhh. At least half my classes were canceled today, for reasons unbeknownst to me. So while Thursday's usually suck, today I'll hopefully actually be able to get a draft of a paper written, and outline the take-home thingie.

The more time that goes by, the more anxious I get about figuring out plans for after graduation, but of course I don't have time to deal with that right now. I really hate that when you're 17-22, the questions people always, always ask you are always the same: "Where are you going to college?" Then, once that's figured out, "What's your major? Ohhhhh....so what are you going to do with that?" Then, once that's figured out, "So what are you going to do after you graduate?" And always, at all of these points, there's the question, "So are you dating anyone?" Because if you're not, there's clearly something wrong with you! Society is stupid. Lately, I dislike conversing with anyone and kind of wish that all I ever had to do was read books all day. So much more enjoyable.

Yeah, guess who needs more sleep?

I am back in Madison! The ride back was long and boring. :( My mom made BLT sandwiches for lunch for the two of us, and I brought back a huge container of homemade cookies made by Chad's mom. Which is probably good for him, because after a weekend of visiting Kristy in Chicago, he looks tired, sick, and freaking out about homework. Sickness seems to be going around. While home, I got a sore throat, and have had a bit of a runny nose. I intend to drink lots of tea.....must not get sick!

I'm actually looking forward to doing yard work this week (my assigned house chore from this last weekend), but I think it's going to have to wait until I hand in my paper on Tuesday. YOU KNOW, THIS PAPER FROM HELL? Seriously, I can't remember the last time I had such difficult in writing a paper. I've finally got three pages, but there is a minimum requirement of four. If anyone has some free time to look at a paper in the next day, please let me know! I'll send it to you, in all of its crappy glory, and you can let me know if there's anywhere that it's glaringly in need of expansion.

Upon arriving home, I made my room festive for autumn with the stuff I bought with Mom, Julie, and the kids at a pumpkin patch:



Yes, that is a Jane Austen action figure on the right, with Freya (Final Fantasy IX) on the left.

Last weekend, I received Zadie Smith's White Teeth in the mail from Bookmooch, and all I want to do is curl up and read it. Too bad I can't! At least Geek.Kon is this weekend. There is something to look forward to!

UW campus' Student Organization Fair was tonight, and I feel ready to die from exhaustion. For most of the night, I was the only one at the table, which was sad, :( I like doing it, though. I have two and a half pages of names and email addresses to write to some time tomorrow.

The Fair was a bit different this year, though. Instead of having each student org share a table with another one, and cramming us all into different parts of Memorial Union, this year everything was very spaced out at the Kohl Center, which was nice. It was a lot easier to see the flow of people going by, though. As anime becomes more popular, the stereotype of a "typical" anime fan being a person who is socially awkward and very "geeky" by appearance is becoming less valid. Of course, many people like this exist, and I am glad that Anime Club is a place for them to come and make friends at college, and feel comfortable.

But it still pisses me off that others can be so judgmental about anime as a genre. I understand it's cartoons, but whatever. When you are with a group of friends, and stop walking, look at the table full of comic books and DVD cases, and then look at me, and walk over, and are barely controlling your laughter as you ask me how the Club works while you periodically glance back at your friends with CAN YOU BELIEVE PEOPLE LIKE THIS EXIST faces, and I explain it, are you not being the least bit childish? Do you think that I am not, in fact, fully aware of the fact that you have some weird perception that I have no friends, or don't realize you're laughing at me? Do you think I don't know that your friends just dared you to come over and talk to me? BECAUSE LET ME TELL YOU, I AM AWARE. Hi, I showered this morning, too! And I put on mascara just like you did. I also like going out for drinks with my friends! BUT PLEASE JUDGE ME BECAUSE I LIKE CUTE THINGS AND WELL-WRITTEN STORIES. Bitches. At least one of my Club cohorts consoled me by extrapolating the probability of one of them getting an STD in the next month.

Apparently, there is another anime club that started up this year, too. At first I was very much, "WTF, let's take them DOWN," but then I investigated their booth. An Asian girl was cosplaying adorably as Chii, from Chobits. It seems like their focus is on analyzing the role of anime in culture, and holding contests for people who draw their own stuff. They actually sent a representative over to our table, and we exchanged emails and agreed to advertise for one another for special events, such as said contests. They seem really nice, and hey - if there are ways for more people to enjoy anime, then all the better, right?

This year, it seemed like a lot more international students stopped by the table this year. There were a lot of mixed-gender crowds, in which guys would stop and look on as the girls would totally freak out, shouting, "Waiiiii! NANA! Hachimitsu! Faruba!" Some of them listened when I explained how to sign up to get an explanatory email, while others ignored me entirely, just grabbing volumes of manga and shaking them at their friends with expressions of disbelief.

All in all, it was a good time. I met lots of new people, and hopefully they'll show up this Saturday for Club. A lot of people who weren't freshmen seemed heartened when we explained that we were trying to make the Club more socially-focused, and less like a living room in which people came, watched, and left.

So, since I bought a lot of my needed books for class online last week, they aren't here yet! Why didn't I do that at least a week earlier? Stupid me. Oh well. I think that I have half of the ones I'll need right away, and I've already discovered that my Women's Studies professor put hers on reserve at one of the campus libraries, so I can go there. I will make this work somehow!

This is my last night of summer before beginning a school year, possibly ever. I feel like I should have something reflective or important to say, but I don't. I don't even have the times or room numbers of my classes written into my planner yet. I guess that means I'm a senior - past the point of caring, :) There is always the chance that at some time in the future, I might decide to go to law school, or that I need a graduate degree (please God, no), but I don't know if I will. My life goals have always been to graduate from college, and to become an author. The first goal will definitely happen, and as for the second, well, hopefully I can work hard on it. As I think I've said before, for some reason my creative thoughts flow much more freely when I'm taking classes (much to my dismay, as I have no time to pay much attention, except for sketching and scribbling in the margins of my notes), particularly in the fall. I don't know why this is.

Antoine's roommate The Hammer solved my current book-storing problem by giving a bookshelf to me that he no longer wants. I was extremely happy on Friday, when I brought it home.

Holy crap, Antoine gave me more Tool music to listen to, and my love for this band has grown exponentially.

What the hell, I'm already up late, so I might as well write in my blog, right?

Today was all right. Despite this weekend's weak stomach, and I guess overall weakness, I had a better disposition. This is due in part to the fact that I had my internship today, which is always a lot of fun. I am so lucky this summer, especially compared to last summer. I love both my job and my internship, every single day. Last summer, once in a while, I liked my internship, and I liked the few afternoons when I got to watch Danny, and that was it (aside from time spent with friends/family, of courses). I do miss my family a lot. I miss stopping by Olivia's soccer games, and now this summer Dylan is playing, too. I miss renting Studio Ghibli movies and cackling because they like them so much. I miss relying on Mom's cooking, and watching the news with Dad and arguing about politics. It's weird to think that I'll only live with them again during Christmas break. Or, who knows, maybe life will fall apart after I graduate and I'll move back in with them. It's my goal not to do so, but you never really know with life, do you?

Well, that was a tangent. My cousin (cousin's daughter; whatever) Molly was driving through Madison today, on her way from Milwaukee to Iowa. We met for dinner and ice cream, and it was nice. I guess that I really do miss that about being home with my parents - seeing friends and family who I'm used to seeing this time of year. Instead, it seems like I'm endlessly catching buses, trying to get to bed on time, and trying to remember to win at life by doing necessary things like laundry and buying groceries (neither of which happened today!).

If anyone is interested, there is a showing in Madison this weekend of the movie Serenity. I intend to attend, as does Antoine. Proceeds for the showings, which are taking place in multiple cities on Saturday, Joss Whedon's birthday, benefit Equality Now, which "works to end violence and discrimination against women and girls around the world through the mobilization of public pressure." Specific information on the Madison showing can be found here. Wiscon Madison friends, are you going? Or Gretchen, Kristen? I have a car, although one seat will be taken by Antoine. Three more are open! Or we could plan to meet there and freak out. Or something.

Lastly....OMG I started rewatching Honey & Clover tonight. IT IS SO GOOD. That is all.

Time has elapsed; Things have happened
Whoa. The last couple of days have been a whirlwind of events. Friday was the last day of classes, which could be sad if I wasn't so concerned about my final projects. Almost immediately after class, I went over to Bleakhouse Books, a book publishing company at which I'll be an intern on weekdays when I'm not working full days at the Capitol. From what I can glean, they publish mostly mysteries and dark crime fiction. This article explains why I find them badass. They were uninterested in my resume, gave me books to read (and keep? I'm not sure yet), and are located in a part of town that I haven't yet explored, but is still within walking distance of the Capitol. Needless to say, I am very excited.

So. That's obviously amazing. I think it's really cool that I'll enjoy both my jobs and my co-workers this summer, and believe in what I'm doing all the time, which definitely provides a stark contrast to last summer.

Last night was the end-of-the-year party for The Daily Cardinal staff. I'm sad to have to be saying goodbye to my fellow copy editors, although I never really got too close to anyone else there, aside from Eunice, who I already knew. I might be back copy editing one night per week next year, but I don't know for sure yet. I'll see what happens. It was an okay party, so far as those go, although I didn't say too long.

Yesterday, I spent all day finishing up my Anne Frank paper, and now all that's left is some editing and polishing for today. Now I can move on to the three classes I have left. If anyone is going to be interested in reading over a "feminism in sci-fi/fantasy" paper, let me know, because I'll be working on one later in the week.

I did grant myself small bouts of reprieve by going out for dinner at Vientiane Palace with friends and Antoine, and later browsing through Borders with Antoine.

Linkspam (Random)
Someone decided to create their own Sephiroth/Aeris dating scenario using the Cloud Date Scene in Final Fantasy VII. So funny! Probably only if you've played the game, though. Yes, I am an elitist geek.

Shakespeare is getting turned into manga. Awesome? It could be awesome. That Romeo and Juliet image looks pretty lame, though. Romeo and Juliet could be so badass - at least Gonzo is doing a good job.

Racism
I overheard two people talking a few days ago. One, a white male from northern Wisconsin, was pontificating about how the United States was the best country in the world. The people around him were politely listening until one person finally asked him why. He listed a couple over-broad reasons, and ended with, "Here, it doesn't matter what you look like. Everyone is treated the same." A previous listener-only to the conversation, who happened to be a black male, interjected:
"Are you serious?" The white male smiled nervously and said yes, at least up here "in the North," if not in Louisiana or Texas, and at that point a nearby conversation that had already started spilled over into theirs, so they just dropped the conversation without resolving anything.

I'm often surprised when people assume that racism is something that only occurs in the South of the United States, or confined only to areas in which slavery used to occur. In my experience, a lot of people in Wisconsin (in areas that aren't Milwaukee) believe this - that racism is "over," and never bother to realize that their entire school is full of white people and a sizable percentage of Asian people, but no black people, no Latinos. Being racist is about seeing black people or Latino people walking on the sidewalk and assuming you're in a "bad neighborhood." It's assuming that someone who is Asian can't speak English. Being racist doesn't always happen because a person intends it to, or because a person is full of hatred, or even because people realize that they have misconceptions in their head, but because somehow, society has trained us to be that way, even though we don't need to be.

I have a few relatives who are racist in a conscious way, and it disgusts me. It makes me want to shake them and scream at them until they "understand." It's scary when people think that racism is "over," or that it only happens in far-away places that are hundreds of miles away. I really hope that our generation can be the one to start having real compassion and a real understanding of the implications of history on every aspect of the present and how society orders itself and treats its members, and how to build a better future.

Well. I feel like I accomplished nothing today, even though that isn't true. I did work on my paper, and I also figured out what the hell is going on with my birthday (for those already invited to Chad's Graduation Party, and for some who weren't, it's being tacked on to that; check Facebook), so I guess that my life is a bit more organized.

Today was a sad day, all around. Starting it off with a movie (made for TV mini-series?) on Anne Frank is probably what started it down that road. We are watching the version titled "Anne Frank: The Whole Story." Netflix link with preview is here; IMDB profile is here. Not only does this version have the most excellent actors (who resemble their real life counterparts) of any dramatization (I think we've seen 4-5 movies in this class), but it also by far does the best job of getting the story right. The version from the 1950s makes Anne this ever-bubbly personality, and her personality has so many more facets than that. This version shows her as the intelligent girl she was, and also the profound affect she had on the people in her life. Also, I think just about every piece of dialog is based on either her diary or testaments from survivors. Additionally, this version shows what happened to everyone once they went to the concentration camps. Even if you can't bear to watch the concentration camp stuff (which is very well-done and heart-wrenching), I recommend watching the rest of the film. Everyone should see this.

I thought Schindler's List was emotionally draining, but I've spent an entire semester learning everything there is to know about these people and the context in which they lived - their culture, their biographical information, their feelings - especially Anne's. So of course I cried when I watched it today, and I can't imagine what will happen on Wednesday, when I see the very end.

What else was sad about today? It was my last night copy editing at The Daily Cardinal with Jack and Mary, who I've copy edited with since I started copy editing, I think. They're graduating next week, so I'll never sit with them nor Caitlin at the copy desk again. :/

I know that as we grow older, things have to change - clearly everyone learns that after graduating from high school. But seeing friends less often is always sad.

I hope that tomorrow is not also sad.

Thank you to Kristen and Dave for advice on how to fix my computer. Hopefully tomorrow I'll have time to try and do that. Today I was literally gone from my house from 7:30am until 12:00am, with some 10 minutes at home in between to retrieve my car. Ughhhh, I'm so tired.

Tonight, I registered for WisCon. Kristen and Gretchen, if you're going, you should register now - the website says that the spots are almost filled! I also signed up to volunteer. Maybe I'll meet cool people? We'll see.

I don't really know what I'm going to do for my birthday this year, so if anyone has any suggestions, let me know. I'm not going to the Gritty. It just sucks - I want to do stuff with my Green Bay friends, but they'll all not be here, and my Madison friends will soon leave for the summer. :/ I liked birthdays more when I was a kid and they were exciting.