laceblade

littlebutfierce had suggested that people update their permanent wishlists, so I did.

FALL OUT BOY WAS AMAZINGGGG

and I got to go in my car with were_duck & raanve & general_jinjur & a person without a DW name AND THAT WAS THE BEST?!
AND WE ATE AT A DINER INSTEAD OF STANDING IN LINE?!

AND THEN INSIDE stood by trinity_clare and OMG BANDS ARE SO AWESOME?!

( set list as compiled by trinity-clare )

We stood next to the sound board (I don't like touching ppl I KNOW, so lol pits).

The acoustics inside the venue were pretty shitty.
BUT THIS LINE UP OF SONGS WAS ALMOST PERFECT.
I do wish they had ended on a song I liked more but it's okay.
I WILL LISTEN TO FALL OUT BOY ALL DAY FOREVER AND EVER.

Standing in a room bouncing up & down & screaming lyrics & punching the air IS AMAZING.
So is making "OMG THIS LYRIC IS SO HEINOUS" faces at your friends while yelling them anyway.

AND THEN PETE AND PSTUMP TWEETED ABOUT HOW EXCITED THEY WERE AFTER THE SHOW.

I've been reblogging decent pictures/etc. from the show in my tag on tumblr.

Eventually I might become sick of blogging about my bike rides, but they're still exciting to me, so it's still happening for now.

This is one of many ways I'd like to use the bike. I find walking pretty boring, and I am really sick of the walk between my apartment & Capitol Square.
The Square is also close enough that I feel stupid taking my car, even though carrying things home from that distance usually makes my back hurt.
So this is the sort of thing for which I really like b-cycle: I can get to/from someplace in a way that doesn't cost me additional money, & also doesn't hurt my back enough to put me out for the rest of the day.

This was my first time biking in the opposite direction after checking a bike out from the nearest b-cycle station.

I was quickly met with frustration, as the March of Dimes was using the area of the bike path on John Nolen as their starting place. Babies & strollers all over the place. My first experience of self-righteous biker feelings! "This is the BIKE PATH! These people aren't even biking! wtf."
New ways for me to feel indignant rage, :*)

Anyway, from there I went into the bike elevator that's built into the Monona Terrace. I'm glad I was able to find it! Going up to the fifth floor, I set out on the terrace level, which is ground level for Capitol Square/surrounding streets. Yay for getting to a place and cutting out the massive hill!

After walking my bike through the terrace area, I was on MLK Boulevard. My first time biking on real streets! It being a farmer's market Saturday morning, I wasn't too worried because most motorists avoid the area entirely. One block inward until I was on the inner Square, & then halfway around to park at the b-cycle station by the Concourse/my credit union.

One car almost hit me while pulling out without looking.
It was also incredibly windy this morning. A little frightening/hilarious as the wind pushed against my wheels & I felt the bike tip. I think I got more of a workout than usual due to the wind.

After buying a few things, I found a b-cycle station that was closer to the bike elevator than my previous end-point, & went back.
My biking radius is expanding.

OH YEAH. I've also regained the ability to swing my leg over the bar & hop off the bike while it's still moving.
12-year-old me thought this was THE COOLEST THING, lmao.


Farmer's market spoils: a pretty flower called "darla oranga" or diascia. Also a single pot that's a mix of red & green leaf lettuces. The latter is my first edible plant of the year, so I've updated my GrowStuff profile accordingly.
Some ramps (not plants, just a bundle to eat).

• What are you currently reading?
Nothing, really? About to start Young Avengers #4

• What did you recently finish reading?
Killjoys comic preview from FCBD: This was really fast-paced, I think too much so?? mergh. Maybe I need to reread it :[

ATLA FCBD short: "Rebound," featuring Mai on the cover, :D after her breakup with Zuko, Mai's depressed & hanging out working in her aunt's flower shop, in the Fire Nation.
I am continually impressed by Gene Luen Yang's ability to write the ATLA characters true to form (here, in The Promise, & now in The Search), and also honestly look at how the political aftermath of the events would leave these kids, their families, & their societies. I see these comics as the true successor to the original show, rather than the slapped-together & sometimes irresponsible Legend of Korra.
(PS: Gene Luen Yang tweeted at me?!?!)

Saga #11 & #12 - lots of emotions in these two issues! I still love the dialogue, the art, ad the pacing. I'm sad this is going on hiatus for a while so they can build up a backlog. Does anyone know how long the hiatus is supposed to last?

Star Wars: The Assassination of Darth Vader, another short from FCBD. This was the flip side of the ATLA one about Mai. This takes place shortly before movie IV. Written by Brian Wood, basically a Vader monologue about what a badass he is, as we watch him kill his would-be assassins. Forgettable.

Willow: Wonderland, #5 (final) The end, by which I mean the final page, was great. I'm not sure I'll ever want to reread this, though.

Buffy Season 9, #19 (Welcome to the Team #4) - ( Spoilers )

Angel & Faith (& Spike) #20 - Working through some heavy shit in this issue. I still like it so much. I very much appreciate Spike's presence, & sort of wish he'd shown up earlier rather than having his own 5-issue spin-off. Buffy comics are pretty dialogue-heavy. It's a thing that irritates me a little when I compare them to other series.

Buffy Season 9, #20 (The Watcher) - a POV of Xander's manpain, but at least in the end I felt very justified by my disgust with him.

Angel & Faith #21 - I didn't think that the mission that started off the premise of this series would remain its focus, & now I'm just afraid to see what happens! We're now in the final arc. I'm scared/excited to keep reading, ;_; ( Spoilers )

With this, I'm now caught up on Buffyverse comics! \o/

Wild Ones, volume 2: There was a great triumphant moment at the end of this volume. So, obviously Sachie & Rakuto are working to keep their yakuza-ness a secret from their high school classmates. Due to some strange turns of events, this secret is basically threatened to be revealed. And in this AWESOME scene, Sachie is a total badass, and basically says, "Yeah, so I'm yakuza. What of it? You wanna go?" OMG THIS BAMF RN.
They walk it back a little by having Rakuto tell her classmates, "Oh, she was just acting for this school event, isn't she a great actress?! Hahaha."

Wild Ones, volume 3: More of the same. It's like...there's not a lot going on in this series that's special? Mostly the same shoujo. I'm a little creeped out by how much time Sachie's grandfather & Rakuto spend talking about who Sachie should/shouldn't be spending her time with, instead of allowing her to make those decisions herself. ("I don't want my granddaughter to grow up to be with someone in the yakuza...") Also some typical shoujo things, where a dude with strong feelings for a girl ends up in awkward body positions where he's directly over her body, etc., in images that look a little disturbingly like a prelude to sexual assault (but it never goes there).
There's a satisfying moment in this volume, too. Rakuto is asked to perform a pointless rescue mission of Sachie. He's being "tested" & there are a lot of arbitrary rules to follow. In the end, he's about to miss rescuing her by the certain time limit, but then Sachie stands up to her captor, says, "There's no rule saying that I have to wait to be rescued," & jumps out the window (into Rakuto's arms). Immediately afterward, the captor says something about Rakuto always saving her, and Sachie is defiant, saying, "No! We save each other."
MANGA, YOU ARE WORKING MY WAY INTO MY HEART.
Thus far, the series has not really addressed the seedy work performed by all of the men surrounding Sachie's life. I'd like to know way more about their ties to their community, whether they actually kill people, etc.

Wild Ones, volume 4: The feature of Sachie shooting a fake gun at a festival GIVES ME LIFE. STOP TEASING ME, MANGA. I want Sachie going on missions with her yakuza crew, pwning people.
Anyway, Sachie leaves her home to go to a festival WITH SOMEONE ELSE. Even though she'd rather be with Rakuto, SHE CAN'T SAY NO.
Back at her grandfather's place, all the men bemoan her absence, & remember how before she came to live with them, they ate instant meals every day. THANKS FOR ESTABLISHING THE ONLY GIRL IN THIS SERIES MAKES EVERYONE'S MEALS DESPITE GOING TO CLASS AT HIGH SCHOOL. Has anyone ever made a list of all manga in which girls provide food FOR EVERYONE?
This is a reason why I like xxxHolic - Watanuki is the one doing all domestic tasks (he's the dude protagonist).
It turns out that Sachie can't stay away for a single night. Rakuto shows up in Okinawa to essentially kidnap her home. (He literally picks her up and steps directly back on to the train he came from, sending both of them farther away from home instead of towards it.)
The end of the last chapter epitomizes what I both love & hate about this series. Sachie drops her wallet & then gets into an altercation when one dude tells her to step off because he's part of a yakuza clan.
Sachie's face turns angry & bamf-like, and she yells, "Turns out that we're part of the same world!" But then you turn the page & Rakuto shows up to say, "I told you so many times to go straight home. What am I going to do with you, Sachie?" UGH.

Venus Capriccio, volume 2: I'd forgotten that Akira is a little exoticised for his "beauty" (whenever the word "beautiful" is used, Takami, the narrator, makes sure to say "even though he's a guy"). He is beautiful in part BECAUSE he is part European, apparently.
Anyway, Takami gets a job at a restaurant, so Akira gets one there, too, to "watch her." Takami's grumpy about this. When she accidentally serves people the wrong salad, he intervenes to apologize on her behalf & also serve the correct food.
He arranges his schedule to match hers to walk her home & calls someone else to do it when he is unavailable.
One night, some hoodlums show up in the restaurant & hit on her. Takami is handling it, but there's no need because Akira shows up to spill water on their heads.
They leave, and he berates Takami. "You're still a girl, Takami. Wake up and recognize that. You're too vulnerable. It's dangerous for you to be walking the streets alone at night..."

It's so gross. I feel like Venus Capriccio and Wild Ones are both communicating the same message: It's romantic for a boy to step in & control a girl's life: Who she sees, where she goes. There isn't room for any men in a girl's life except for her romantic interest. And any misfortune she experiences for daring to [exist outside the shelter of home after sunset / talk to men / etc.] is absolutely her fault.

If anyone's wondering why I prefer series with just girls & no men lately (i.e., K-On!, AKB0048, etc.), this is a huge reason why.
The volume picked up a little after that - I still enjoy watching Akira and Takami play the pinao. I enjoy this series' art. I just still had some smoldering rage going on.

Some Glee fics:
drowning in your dizzy noise by timorous_scribe - Santana and Rachel, three fail-starts and one take-off. Assumes events up to 4x17 'Guilty Pleasures.' (NSFW)

Mixed Media by parsnips - Cooper Anderson lands a role on a show called White Collar, & so obviously the entire Glee Club becomes involved in the White Collar fandom. Blaine-centric, which I usually don't enjoy, but this fic is HILARIOUS & I loved every part of it.
He's a professional. He knows about pointing.

• What do you think you’ll read next?
idk. Likely more comics. I don't want to knock on comics b/c they can be super important & meaningful, but I'm still feeling not up to the emotional complexity of novels.
The Anna Karenina book club next meets during WisCon, & I had to return my copy to the library a while. I am not feeling compelled to finish it, especially as someone mentioned that more [redacted] happens.
I also stopped reading Kokoro for that reason, too.
I have more Wild Ones manga waiting for me at the library.

If you don't follow me on Twitter/Tumblr, then fyi that yesterday morning, I fell down walking on some gravel on my way into work, & tore the shit out of my knee. It was bleeding so much that I went to the ER so they could clean it for me.

It was kind of hilarious...I called my boss and was like, "DON'T FREAK OUT...how do I get to the ER?!" lmao.

It was funnier at first when the pain messages weren't going to my brain at all.

Now it's very slowly healing, & throughout the day the band aids I wear rub on it, and it just hurts.
I have an affected limp currently, to try & lessen the bending of the knee (& therefore the rubbing of band aid on to rawness).



I forgot how much acute, all-day pain takes out of you.
Currently, it sucks, but it almost makes me sit back & realize how much less pain I'm in now than I was in before my surgery.


(She says, having spent the last 8 hours constantly feeling about to hurl with "pukey reflux pain.")

• What are you currently reading?
Nada. I finished IBTTRY (described below) on my bus ride home from work.

• What did you recently finish reading?
Hawkeye #8 &9: Still a knockout series.

Young Avengers #3: I think I'm going to remove this from my pull-list. It's fine, but it's definitely not good enough/entertaining enough for me to be buying it in single-issue format.

I've Been Trying to Reach You by thememoriesfire - This is the 25-chapter AU fic I've been reading for some time now. After getting pregnant & having her baby, Quinn Fabray becomes a "loser," & transfers to Carmel High School. Rachel Berry is co-captain of Vocal Adrenaline there, & also the most popular girl in school.
Quinn starts a band with Sam, Puck, Santana, and Blaine. Everyone from the show is in this fic, even Holly Holiday and Shelby and etc. Obviously, due to the AU-ness of the fic, people's personalities & defining features are changed.
I remain impressed by how well thememoriesfire can handle so many characters, so many issues PER character, how her plots are complicated & her endings are EARNED, & there are still moments of humor throughout.
As with wintercreek, it's really nice to read a fic by an author who is clearly just as in love with music as her characters are.
This is a fic I'll come back to reread over and over and over again, just like Eyes Closed to Fingers Crossed & Assured of Certain Certainties.
The plot-twist in chapter 22 was totally unexpected for me, even though it was foreshadowed a lot.
I just...OMG. Even if you're not familiar with Glee canon, I know that a lot of people in the same boat who love her stuff.
I'll be thinking about this for days. I know that her outline for the planned sequel is available on the tumfslove dropbox, so I'll probably be reading that all evening.
I've put it on my list of recommended Glee fic in the Faberry section, which is a pretty short list! Believable Faberry is hard to find, imo.

• What do you think you’ll read next?
I'm still feeling rebellious about book club obligations, so I'll likely be reading more comics & fanfiction, although maybe some shorter fics because longer ones like IBTTRY can be a little emotionally draining, ^^;;

There's a new series that's part of the current Spring lineup called "Flowers of Evil" that's generating a fair amount of buzz.

The animators are using rotoscoping to achieve an almost disturbing level of realism. Eye movements, hair, facial expressions, etc. are very realistic. The girls in school uniforms look like actual girls.
The rusted out city reminds me exactly of the time I spent in Muroran, a city up in Hokkaido.

The series is based on an ongoing manga. The protagonist, Takao Kasuga, likes to read. Most of his classmates seem pretty normal, except for Sawa Nakamura, who calls their teacher a shitbag for shaming her in front of the entire class when she gets a 0 on a test.

Per Theron Martin's review over at ANN, "The name [Flowers of Evil] is a reference to a defining, highly innovative, and equally controversial work of poetry by 19th century French literary giant Charles Boudelaire [sic], a Japanese translation of which is being read by lead protagonist Takao Kasuga as he muddles his way through a seemingly ordinary high school life."

Kasuga has a crush on Saeki, a classmate who's pretty & sits near him in class.

The realism in this anime is new/different, but the second episode made me extremely uncomfortable. In the beginning of the episode, Kasuga steals Saeki's gym uniform & takes it home.

The rest of the episode focuses on Kasuga's inner turmoil - the class is disturbed when the teacher tells them Saeki's uniform has gone missing, & it's pretty clear that Saeki is mortified. Although some attention is given to Saeki, the emphasis is placed on Kasuga feeling ashamed about it, Kasuga laying out Saeki's uniform over his bed & feeling bad about it.

In gym class, Saeki tells her female classmates that she just had to buy a new uniform. They lament over this. Off to the side, Kasuga listens while his male classmates talk about Saeki being beautiful, & feeling angry that someone else stole their gym uniform, likely for nefarious purposes. The feel ownership over Saeki - it's awful.

In all of this, the only interesting character I see is Nakamura, the girl who called the teacher a shitbag in the first episode, and who saw Kasuga steal Saeki's uniform.
She's upfront with Kasuga about her knowledge, & tries to get him to agree to a "contract" with her, lest she tell the rest of their classmates.
She gets Saeki to meet with Kasuga, so that Kasuga can confess what he did. Kasuga is rendered mute. Nakamura shoves him forward, though, right into Saeki's chest. Unlike most anime shows, where this would be a moment of comic relief, Saeki is embarrassed and runs off, & Kasuga is mortified.

I'm filled with a lot of disgust for Kasuga. I hate watching him on the screen. I hate listening to him talk.

Continued from Martin's review: "The literary reference used here is too educated for it to simply be a casual toss-off, so expecting (or at least hoping) that the content of the series will delve into themes raised by Boudelaire [sic] is quite reasonable. Indeed, the first episode is full of such elements if one looks carefully for them. Boudelaire [sic] prominently used sound to create atmosphere, and a very ominous musical score is used here to imply that something at least a bit sinister is brewing amongst these scenes of everyday life. Boudelaire [sic] emphasized the use of urban subject matter, which explains the almost obsessive attention to detail in background art dominated by city and school settings. He also rejected the fundamental goodness of man and explored morally complex and ambiguous behavior, especially concerning vices. Given that and certain comments made amongst his friends, the emerging flower is almost certainly meant to be metaphorical for Takao's growing carnal interest despite his apparent outward wish to treat Nanako respectfully. The emphasis on showing the decay and wear of the city could even be interpreted as symbolic of declining moral values."

Other reviews I've read (all at ANN) include words like "masterpiece," etc.
I guess I don't usually turn to anime for depressing doses of realism. Realistic emotions, sure, but the rest? Meh.

I find it impossible to identify with Kasuga. I am rooting for Nakamura, but I'm assuming she's going to pull some weird shit.

Zac Bertschy had Chris Haughton (owner/runner of Taskforce Moe) on the show. Here's a link. In the beginning, they discuss Zac's habit of basically trolling moe fans when he reviews moe shows at Anime News Network. I don't hang out on the forums much, & was surprised to hear Zac's been compared to being racist because of disliking moe - fucking seriously? That sucks, and that's stupid.
I found a lot of the discussion boring.

I submitted a few questions via Twitter. So did littlebutfierce.
I'm pretty tired, but there's the Q/A of our questions.

76:something
Zac: ribbonknight asks, 'Many women and others find value in non-explicit moe because it focuses on female relationships. Is this a reason why you like it?"
Chris: That's a reason I like some shows. Like K-ON!, or Lucky Star.
Zac: Right.
Chris: But, it's not the entire reason I like moe. There are several reasons.
Zac: I mean it sounds like your basic argument is, 'I am not this one-dimensional stereotype or straw-man. I am multitudes.' It sounds like that's the chief...that's the core of your argument, here.
Chris: Yeah. Yeah, and I think that, to a certain extent, moe fans - the moe fandom at large - is portrayed as shallow fans, only looking for the next big thing with cute girls with huge eyes and they don't appreciate quality anime, and I don't think that's true for really many moe fans.
Zac: Well, you wouldn't argue that there aren't people who are totally like that.
Chris: There certainly are vocal people like that. I don't want to associate nor represent nor pay attention to those people. But there are certainly people like that. But I'd argue that the majority of moe fans are pretty much just like other fans. They like a range of anime, not just moe but a whole lot of other stuff.

82:00
Zac: ribbonknight asks: Dudes perving on characters can devalue the shows for fandom at large. Do you think your site contributes to this?
Chris: Dudes perving on moe fandoms...no, I don't think my site contributes to...dudes perving on moe fandoms.
Zac: In other words, if there's a huge, outspoken bunch of, let's say 4-chan users, totally obsessing over whoever from K-ON!, everyone's like oh man. Like it's a turn-off for some people, like they don't necessarily want to engage with the material because they think it's just about that.
Chris: If a person looks at 4-chan especially...& says, 'I don't want to engage with this work of media because of what 4-chan says about it. I think that person probably wouldn't have engaged with that work of media in the first place.
Zac: Yeah, I think you're probably right. [laughter]

ME ASIDE: I totally disgaree with that. The disgust with which other people describe moe kept me away from it for years. littlebutfierce had to convince me that K-ON! was worth trying.
I am absolutely influenced by other people's taste/etc.


87:00
Zac: janiinedelleen asks, "Do you think moe's focus on friendships is part of why it's so devalued and scorned in large parts of anime fandom?
Chris: I think that, 1) part of it is the emphasis on girls. I think that 2 is the de-emphasis on story. I think those are the two big things for why it's devalued.
Zac: I mean, I guess I would sort of make the argument that it also seems exploitative. I don't buy for a second that I think people are watching K-ON! solely because they really care about these characters. There's a voyeuristic appeal to that show that...I think a lot of people have a voyeuristic appeal to that show, and it's like, "Oh these cute girls, they like each other so much," and it's kinda like you're...sometimes it feels like you're watching from the bushes. [laughter] You know, you've got your binoculars. It's a little creepy.
Chris: I don't see it that way. At all.
Zac: You yourself, you're not putting yourself into the situation.
Chris: No, not at all. A complete removal of the viewer as an agent in what is going on in the show.
Zac: Okay. So, the attraction to those characters, then, in a moe fashion, you are totally removed from it? Like you as a person, you totally/psychologically remove yourself?
Chris: When I'm watching the show, I'm not watching, I'm not there at all. That's just going on in the show. It's not me watching them, it's just them happening within the context of the show. As far as being moe for a particular girl, that's certainly me inserting myself into that fantasy.
Zac: So that's separate like doujinshi culture. The act of watching i separate?
Chris: Yes. The doujinshis for K-ON, it's notorious for having really disgusting doujinshi.
Zac: Most popular shows that feature little girls have hideous doujinshi.
Zac: Okay.

ME ASIDE: I find Zac's take on the voyeurism in K-ON! kind of fascinating, because I didn't feel that way at all watching it. I think that take is entirely related to the male gaze.
I was absolutely invested in the actual characters, their friendship, and the music they made together. That is the only reason I watched the show.
The fact that Zac thinks that there is NO OTHER POSSIBLE REASON a person could watch that show is exactly what my questions are trying to get at - WHY AREN'T NON-SEXUAL FEMALE RELATIONSHIPS VALUED? Which leads to my next question:

94:00
Zac: ribbonknight asks: dudes hanging out in anime considered artistic & moving, moe shows of girls doing the same are called stupid & pointless. Do you think that some fans oversexualizing characters contributes to dismissive fans not examining their own misogyny?
Zac: Wait, these are two unrelated things [me aside: no they're not]. The first one was a statement, the second one was a question. [nope]
Chris: I am not sure where that's coming from.
Zac: Yeah, that's a weird thing. I guess some...no, okay. That is a two-parter. So, he's saying that I guess there's this blanket assumption that critics love shoes where it's just dudes hanging out and doing nothing, but shows where it's girls hanging out & doing nothing are called stupid and pointless, which I don't...I think your premise is flawed, bro? I don't even, like...that's not true? And I guess he's saying that it's misogynistic to hate on "cute girls doing cute things" shows. Which, to answer that myself, it's not misogynistic to be bored by cute girls doing cute things. [laughter]
Chris: Yeah, it's not sexist to have a preference.

112:00 question also worth listening to: about whether women's reasons for watching are different than men?


I found it a little hilarious that Zac assumed I am a guy, especially given the questions I was asking.

Regardless, my question about internalized misogyny shifted to one about sexism. Both Zac and Chris agreed that, "It's not sexist to have a perference" [between watching plotless shows about girls hanging out vs boys hanging out].
I'd challenge that. If you as a media consumer ONLY enjoy stories about boys/men, and are only capable of identifying with men? Then yeah, I think you have some internalized misogyny going on there.

I started joining in the discussion on the forums, but that was before I heard reading of my last question, and their answer/non-answer. I don't know if I'll check back.

Anyway, I'm pretty disappointed. I've been a fan of Zac Bertschy's commentary for years. :(

Today, I took my second bike ride (since I've started biking again).
This time, The Boyfriend got a 24-hour pass on the community bikeshare program & came with me.

We went one station farther than last time. If you live in-town, this means that we went to the Botanical Gardens & used the station there.
Once we left the bike path & started going through neighborhoods, it was a little rough for me. Going uphill meant breathing harder, which sort of triggered some GERD/chest pains.
I also have a cold right now, so it's a little difficult to tell which is which.

I'm trying not to feel, "ZOMG I can never leave the bike path again!!" and focus more on, "Well, when I'm a little more in shape, it won't be so bad."

Anyway, this time we made it to the video game store a neighborhood away, which I've jokingly said on Twitter is "my dream."
I sold an old video game I wanted, & he gave me $5 in-store credit. The store had a $5 bootleg Ghibli movie pack! So I bought that, haha. It has "Only Yesterday" on it, so I'm really hopeful that it will work!! I love that movie so much.

BUT. BIKING.
To come back, we walked to a closer b-cycle station, skipping the botanical garden one & starting again on the bike path/flat surface.

The way home was much better.

I like riding with The Boyfriend!

I'm still not great at taking corners or doing intersections with cars - I walk the bike through every lighted intersection, ^^;

Google Maps says I went 2.7 miles one way, so I guess that means a little over 5 miles total, although on the way back some of that was walking.

B-Cycle's website tracks mileage, but it seems to overestimate things a bit? I think it estimates based on time, & I am likely going a little slower than others.

I keep wanting to blog about what happened in the massage appointment I had last week & being unable to do so. So here are my tweets, along with tweets today about my acupuncture appointment.

Massage Appointment
(This is the second massage I've had. I have a lot of upper back pain. I believed this is b/c I have, as they say, a large rack.)
Massage this morning! "The reason this is painful is b/c you don't breathe deeply enough/from the right place."
CAN I JUST HAVE ONE BODY THING DONE RIGHT? CAN I BE DOING ANYTHING RIGHT? JFC.
So now, in addition to feeling anxious about when I eat/what I eat/how much I eat & how much pain it's going to cost me...
...I can also feel anxious LITERALLY EVERY TIME I DRAW BREATH that I'm not doing it correctly.
In conclusion, fuck everyone, & fuck everything.
But hey, now I can articulate what it is I like about makeup? It's something related to my body that I feel like I am "doing correctly."
And I give absolutely zero fucks about how un-feminist that makes me.


Acupuncture Appointment
So, Acupuncturist got all, "Wow, even when you follow your diet, you still have pain? What's different on days when you have pain?" with me.
She got all bent out of shape when I said, "It's chronic pain. It's much better than it was. I don't expect it to ever go away."
& wants to sell me more pills next time.
That's 3/3 with medical professionals this month. SOMETIMES PAIN IS MEANINGLESS & WON'T GO AWAY. SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO ACCEPT IT.
Sometimes people are already trying as hard as they fucking can, in every fucking way. Back off.

---

I feel angry, all the time.