![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
just need to write, i guess
Apr. 29th, 2004 10:52 pmMaybe I'll make this private when I'm more coherent, I don't know.
I still smile when I talk to people but inside it's like there's a moronic little girl who's getting just a little hysterical because she thinks she's losing it and she has no idea how much longer she can keep acting the facade.
People talk to me, but they're just words and no one ever really talks with me long enough to realize how lonely I am or how much I really hate the things I do sometimes. But you can't take things back so I just try to move on, 'though sometimes the hate comes too.
I know that there are lots of nice girls out there who aren't cynical and scared and depressed and who don't flinch when they're touched. They probably have a lot better chance than I do of finding someone who's willing to hold them.
That's really all I want, is someone told hold me. I really hate being alone during the moments when I press my fists against my eyes, pushing harder because maybe if I do that and keep whispering, "stop it, go away, go away, go away," then it really will and I'll be real again instead of half of two very different people.
I hate how when I feel like this, I just get more and more silent and when someone tries to talk to me, I'm curt, short, anything to get them to leave me alone because any combination of words cuts, I don't know why. It's almost ironic that I get this way from loneliness but then when the feelings catch up so they're close enough to hurt, then I alienate people by my actions and by being more alienated, I make it worse.
I have all these wishes that kind of hang up there in the blackness of crap, but I have to wonder if they'll turn in to black holes if they don't come true. Probably. Wishes can do that, you know. If they don't come true, then their light just collapses in on itself and sucks everything around it in, including time itself, and nothing's left except possibly dark matter.
tried to give you warning, but everyone ignores me
(told you everything loud and clear,) but nobody's listening
called to you so clearly but you don't want to hear me
(told you everything loud and clear,) but nobody's listening
And off to bed, I guess.
I still smile when I talk to people but inside it's like there's a moronic little girl who's getting just a little hysterical because she thinks she's losing it and she has no idea how much longer she can keep acting the facade.
People talk to me, but they're just words and no one ever really talks with me long enough to realize how lonely I am or how much I really hate the things I do sometimes. But you can't take things back so I just try to move on, 'though sometimes the hate comes too.
I know that there are lots of nice girls out there who aren't cynical and scared and depressed and who don't flinch when they're touched. They probably have a lot better chance than I do of finding someone who's willing to hold them.
That's really all I want, is someone told hold me. I really hate being alone during the moments when I press my fists against my eyes, pushing harder because maybe if I do that and keep whispering, "stop it, go away, go away, go away," then it really will and I'll be real again instead of half of two very different people.
I hate how when I feel like this, I just get more and more silent and when someone tries to talk to me, I'm curt, short, anything to get them to leave me alone because any combination of words cuts, I don't know why. It's almost ironic that I get this way from loneliness but then when the feelings catch up so they're close enough to hurt, then I alienate people by my actions and by being more alienated, I make it worse.
I have all these wishes that kind of hang up there in the blackness of crap, but I have to wonder if they'll turn in to black holes if they don't come true. Probably. Wishes can do that, you know. If they don't come true, then their light just collapses in on itself and sucks everything around it in, including time itself, and nothing's left except possibly dark matter.
tried to give you warning, but everyone ignores me
(told you everything loud and clear,) but nobody's listening
called to you so clearly but you don't want to hear me
(told you everything loud and clear,) but nobody's listening
And off to bed, I guess.
