just need to write, i guess

[laceblade]

Maybe I'll make this private when I'm more coherent, I don't know.

I still smile when I talk to people but inside it's like there's a moronic little girl who's getting just a little hysterical because she thinks she's losing it and she has no idea how much longer she can keep acting the facade.
People talk to me, but they're just words and no one ever really talks with me long enough to realize how lonely I am or how much I really hate the things I do sometimes. But you can't take things back so I just try to move on, 'though sometimes the hate comes too.
I know that there are lots of nice girls out there who aren't cynical and scared and depressed and who don't flinch when they're touched. They probably have a lot better chance than I do of finding someone who's willing to hold them.
That's really all I want, is someone told hold me. I really hate being alone during the moments when I press my fists against my eyes, pushing harder because maybe if I do that and keep whispering, "stop it, go away, go away, go away," then it really will and I'll be real again instead of half of two very different people.
I hate how when I feel like this, I just get more and more silent and when someone tries to talk to me, I'm curt, short, anything to get them to leave me alone because any combination of words cuts, I don't know why. It's almost ironic that I get this way from loneliness but then when the feelings catch up so they're close enough to hurt, then I alienate people by my actions and by being more alienated, I make it worse.
I have all these wishes that kind of hang up there in the blackness of crap, but I have to wonder if they'll turn in to black holes if they don't come true. Probably. Wishes can do that, you know. If they don't come true, then their light just collapses in on itself and sucks everything around it in, including time itself, and nothing's left except possibly dark matter.

tried to give you warning, but everyone ignores me
(told you everything loud and clear,) but nobody's listening
called to you so clearly but you don't want to hear me
(told you everything loud and clear,) but nobody's listening

And off to bed, I guess.

Comments

[claudiall.livejournal.com]

It's like reading my own journal...see? Other people have the same issue! So you don't really have a problem; we think we're so different and weird, but we're not. There's a lot of people hiding their dark sides very well, out there.
Get a grip of yourself. Not to be harsh, but it's best to overcome all these feelings, and bloody get on with it.

[mystickeeper.livejournal.com]

I know everyone has dark sides and yeah, you probably have felt the same way. And I didn't take it harshly....if I could just bloody get on with it, I could. But I have clinical depression, so it's hard to do that. These feelings come in cycles and I cannot control them. It doesn't...."attack" very often, but when it does, it's like I just described above, and like I often describe in my poetry or other random things. Writing is one of very few tools I have to fight it. And I know it gets redundant - you have no idea how sick I get sometimes when I reread stuff. But...I guess I can only say that if that's what I feel, I'm going to write it. And if you don't want to read posts like that, then that's okay. I do write other things sometimes, so you could choose to just read those, no hard feelings.

fellow depressant

[(Anonymous)]

i cry when i read mystic's posts because it's exactly what my world is like. i have trouble writing what i feel intelligently. no matter how well we deal with it, depression is a problem and it's not easy to "bloody get on with it." if i could think positively about my world and pick myself up when i fall, i would. and who's to say it's best to overcome the feelings? isnt it better to embrace them and face them head on? you can't ignore the darkness but you can't let it consume you. face it head on and deal with it the best you know how. You can't "overcome all these feelings and bloody get on with it." i don't mean to be harsh with this comment but it's just frustrating that people just don't get it that it's not easy to ignore the pain.

Re: fellow depressant

[mystickeeper.livejournal.com]

Thank you....whoever you are, ;)