laceblade | wasn't planning on having this happen, but there you go

I’m lying here waiting for inspiration that never comes. I used to write even though I didn’t have it but once I realized how much I suck, I came to an abrupt stop.
(but I could never do that, someone would see through that)
How can someone spend years of their lives wanting only one thing, believing that they’re good at only one thing, and then realizing that they’re terrible at it? That truly, at the end of the day, they have nothing to offer?
What do you do when nothing makes you happy any more?
When you don’t enjoy being around any specific person?
When every conversation you have every day for years leaves you feeling disgusted and unfulfilled?
Do things really get better than this? Everyone said everything gets better after high school. I’ve said things get better after high school. They don’t. It just gets easier to shut people out.
Do people ever really decide what they would like to do with their lives, or do they just pick something?
We all have to play the stupid game of schooling and earning and paying for useless, stupid shit. Because that’s what we all have to do. We have to play the game. And if you start to lose, people will stop caring about you. Because they won’t know what to say to you. Even if they’re your friend. Especially if you’re their friend.
That’s why we have to smile when we’re sad. And make small-talk when we want to curl into the fetal position and shield our faces with our arms so that nothing can hurts us or see us.
I found an invincible summer within me but it doesn’t matter because there’s no point in defeating my darkness. Because after your fear drags you down through the disgusting sludge of despair and you slit its throat and crawl back out, you wonder why you bothered. What’s so great about living, anyway? What’s so great about the world that it’s worth fighting for?
I wonder if I’ll ever find anyone who I want to spend all of my time with. Most of the people my age enjoy being in superficial relationships that involve telling friends about phone calls and movies and what he told his friends. And the few relationships that don’t truly scare me because it’s like one person absolutely must become the dependent, commanding one and the other must become the submissive, obeying one and together, they must do everything together and always be able to talk about everything and must ignore their friends. Does no one enjoy walking in silence with somebody? Walking without having to hold hands or wrap arms around waists/shoulders, or stand still without clutching like blood-sucking leeches?
(a sadness I can’t erase all alone on your face)
I can’t look anybody in the face any more without having my initial reaction be disgust. I mean, I give everyone a chance but as soon as they open their mouths, they’ve basically forfeited any respect I might have momentarily held for them.
Do you believe in God? I do. God makes me want to stay alive. But God doesn’t make anything worth it for me. He can’t make people interesting to me. He can’t tell me what to do with my life. The only thing he can do is hold me when the darkness comes because if he didn’t then the darkness will probably win.
I say “only” as if that didn’t matter. But that isn’t what I meant. What I meant was that God can only help me when I’m at my lowest point. Which is fine. But I don’t reach the lowest point very often. Which is good. But there is a lot of other parts of life.
I just want something to actually make me happy. Something that is not an escape. Something that is not fiction nor alternate worlds nor music nor pixels. Is it sad that these are the only things that make me happy?
I have lots of other things to say, or rather I am feeling lots of other things right now but I don’t know what to say about them. This post probably could be read as “emo” or “angsty” or whatever the hell stupid label you want to put on it, but all I know is that it’s honest so it’s going in here. Maybe if I just keep being honest, then eventually I’ll write something. And by something, I mean prose or maybe on my story or something. What happened to writing? It’s been seven months.
But writing probably isn’t the only thing I should be worried about. I don’t look forward to anything any more. Everything is lame and ridiculous except for things that aren’t even real. I’ll never be good enough to succeed at my dreams (provided I ever figure out what they are) and I can say that and feel pretty confident that nobody really gives a shit about it.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Something that is not fiction nor alternate worlds nor music nor pixels. Is it sad that these are the only things that make me happy?

I can't help but relate to that. For the longest time those were the only things that I needed to feel happy, but now I'm sort of going, "...is that it?" I don't think it is weird to finally decide that those things just aren't enough, but it is frustrating! Anyway, I just wanted to say that you are definitely not the only one who feels that way sometimes.

Sometimes knowing that you're not alone is the best feeling in the world.

So, thank you, :)

Erm... try number 2 to write a comment. Mostly what I mean is you're doing just fine at life, there is an unbelievable number of people who think you are awesome, and you are very good at lots of things. I can't really say don't worry about it, but try to remember the good things, it's too easy to get caught up in all the bad stuff.

Nobody gets an easy answer for why they're around and what they should be doing. If that happened then the world would be perfect and I suppose there wouldn't really be a point to anything.

Just enjoy the things that make you happy, whatever they may be and try not to worry about the things you can't fix. Because otherwise you'll go nuts. Just don't think about them at all if nothing else.

And as far as writing goes... if you don't mind the geek discussion there's writing club... sometimes when you're stuck it helps to talk things through with other people.

I don't know if this helps or not, I hope it does.

Louise

As always, your thoughts make sense. And yeah, they do help.

It's just weird, when I get all messed up like that. I can feel it coming about an hour in advance, nothing anyone says can break through. And then I go to bed and wake up the next day and ignore it, and then it's okay. So....at least I have a system.

You sound very frustrated. But if you really want an answer to all those questions/comments, I can pretty much tell you...although you'll have to seek the process yourself. It's really simple and the hardest part of life all at the same time. Jesus has to be your Everything, or else you never will be fulfilled. Maybe the fact that you have no inspiration is because God wants you to walk a different path with your writing, or with another profession entirely. Your identity doesn't lie in your writing, you are a child of God, and he LOVES you...he didn't make you to let Satan discourage you. And maybe your other relationships arent fulfilling because you don't put Him first. And please understand I'm not trying to condemn AT ALL, I feel the same way sometimes. No lie, I totally suck at this trusting Jesus thing sometimes, but I try my hardest at it every day, and I ask Him to help me with it every day, and every day I do, it gets easier, and more and more falls into place. You just have to give it up to Him.
I'm really sorry you're feeling discouraged because someone with your talent with words (and you really do have a talent for writing), you could do so much for Jesus at UW (a place, just like TCU and any other university, where I assume God often takes a backseat or gets thrown out the car window altogether). I'll be praying for you, and I hope you feel better soon :)

Thank you for your prayers, :)

Hey, babe.

Know this: you'll find what you are looking for. You may not even know what it is just yet, but God, he knows. And he's slowly leading you where he wants you to be.

I've felt what you feel. I've given up writing from long periods of time. But if it is something you truly want to do, do it. The more you read, the more you write, the better you will get. As a matter of fact, you have one of the best resources available to you... first your imagination (which is HUGE!) and this future writing prof. Don't forget that you have a cousin who thinks you are the greatest ever and is currently in one of the best MA programs in the country.

You've got the tools; when you are ready to start again, you'll figure everything else out.

People are always going to dissappoint you, because you are like me... we were raised the same and we expect more of people than they usually give to us. But that doesn't have to mean we give up. Just keep showing people how wonderful you are, Jackie. I love you (sorry it took me so long to read this post).

Mah, you almost made me cry, :*)

I love you, Molly! Thank you for everything you said - it really helps a lot.

wasn't planning on having this happen, but there you go

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