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is this a fucking joke or
I keep wanting to blog about what happened in the massage appointment I had last week & being unable to do so. So here are my tweets, along with tweets today about my acupuncture appointment.
Massage Appointment
(This is the second massage I've had. I have a lot of upper back pain. I believed this is b/c I have, as they say, a large rack.)
Massage this morning! "The reason this is painful is b/c you don't breathe deeply enough/from the right place."
CAN I JUST HAVE ONE BODY THING DONE RIGHT? CAN I BE DOING ANYTHING RIGHT? JFC.
So now, in addition to feeling anxious about when I eat/what I eat/how much I eat & how much pain it's going to cost me...
...I can also feel anxious LITERALLY EVERY TIME I DRAW BREATH that I'm not doing it correctly.
In conclusion, fuck everyone, & fuck everything.
But hey, now I can articulate what it is I like about makeup? It's something related to my body that I feel like I am "doing correctly."
And I give absolutely zero fucks about how un-feminist that makes me.
Acupuncture Appointment
So, Acupuncturist got all, "Wow, even when you follow your diet, you still have pain? What's different on days when you have pain?" with me.
She got all bent out of shape when I said, "It's chronic pain. It's much better than it was. I don't expect it to ever go away."
& wants to sell me more pills next time.
That's 3/3 with medical professionals this month. SOMETIMES PAIN IS MEANINGLESS & WON'T GO AWAY. SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO ACCEPT IT.
Sometimes people are already trying as hard as they fucking can, in every fucking way. Back off.
I feel angry, all the time.
Massage Appointment
(This is the second massage I've had. I have a lot of upper back pain. I believed this is b/c I have, as they say, a large rack.)
Massage this morning! "The reason this is painful is b/c you don't breathe deeply enough/from the right place."
CAN I JUST HAVE ONE BODY THING DONE RIGHT? CAN I BE DOING ANYTHING RIGHT? JFC.
So now, in addition to feeling anxious about when I eat/what I eat/how much I eat & how much pain it's going to cost me...
...I can also feel anxious LITERALLY EVERY TIME I DRAW BREATH that I'm not doing it correctly.
In conclusion, fuck everyone, & fuck everything.
But hey, now I can articulate what it is I like about makeup? It's something related to my body that I feel like I am "doing correctly."
And I give absolutely zero fucks about how un-feminist that makes me.
Acupuncture Appointment
So, Acupuncturist got all, "Wow, even when you follow your diet, you still have pain? What's different on days when you have pain?" with me.
She got all bent out of shape when I said, "It's chronic pain. It's much better than it was. I don't expect it to ever go away."
& wants to sell me more pills next time.
That's 3/3 with medical professionals this month. SOMETIMES PAIN IS MEANINGLESS & WON'T GO AWAY. SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO ACCEPT IT.
Sometimes people are already trying as hard as they fucking can, in every fucking way. Back off.
I feel angry, all the time.
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You are right to be angry.
<3
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<3
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(I once had a chronic pain Dr explain to me how my chronic pain was all overweight + lack of exercise. Despite the fact that I'd turned up in a wheelchair because walking was too fatiguing, he seemed unable to hear that I was so fatigued that I could barely shower using a shower chair, and so 30 min exercise every day was out of the question...)
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And ugh, that sounds so frustrating. How many people have piles of internalized guilt due to the medical professionals in their lives?! How counter-productive! :(
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[kicks all the crappy people]
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Basically, some medical people are awesome and some are arseholes and apparently there is no in-between.
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Various medical people have told me the boobs thing doesn't affect back pain and I want to be like UMM OKAY?!
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(The breathing thing is so hard. I got trained into breathing from the "traditionally correct place" through years of ballet and then speech lessons, but I know when I am stressed, or miserable, or angry (so, you know, most of the time) I don't breathe from the right place, and no amount of reminding myself to do so has any impact whatsofuckingever. My body is too busy coping with other shit, thank you very much.)
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I definitely feel like I've learned to breathe from a lower part of my body, in part b/c it doesn't disturb my chest area - when having reflux pain, breathing hurt, so my body adapted.
ty. This unfeminist/makeup thing is some weird internalized guilt that I don't understand where it came from, but I keep telling myself what you & others have told me, that it IS okay.
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Oh, I have tons of weird internalised guilt over it - like when I think about putting some on just to go to the village shop, and am all "self, that is ridiculous! You don't need makeup to leave the house!" and then have to kick myself into remembering that I am, in fact, allowed to want to put it on even for a small errand. But, I am also a big believer in reminding myself over and over that I am allowed to make myself look more polished, or like my 15yr old self with alllll the eyeliner, if I want to. It is hard, though!
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WRONG MSG, ASSHOLES!
I want there to be a massage fairy who flies into your house, and gently gently makes you feel nice so you can relax before they start pushing hard on things, and suggests "are you wliling to try a little change?" and waits for your answer, and then puts a hand in whatever special place and says, "now breathe until you feel my hand" and is generally all about the positive instead of this crapstorm of negativity.
Happy to pass along names of accupuncturist and PT/OT/CST who I adore and who are gently and caring.
p.s. makeup