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Maybe I'd make a good homicidal maniac, motherfucker!
I should maybe preface this by noting that throughout my life, people have told me that my default expression is not a smile. This may have something to do with constantly being told to SMILE for no reason just because I was a girl (really, have you ever heard a stranger tell a man, "SMILE!"?); it may be because something is usually pissing me off.
No matter what the reason, I tend to make a conscious choice to look this way when I'm walking alone in my neighborhood. I don't live in a particularly rough area of town, but I do live downtown, by myself, in an efficiency apartment.
I came to this apartment after an uncomfortable living situation. So when I moved into my own apartment, I was elated. I felt safe, I felt comfortable, everything was MINE, and nobody would be in my space unless I invited them and they went out of their way to come over.
I don't know any of my neighbors other than a few by sight, but I don't really care to; I'd prefer not to, in fact. My apartment is where I come to be alone, and I kind of love it.
Back to my neighborhood, it's not very bad but it's not ideal. In the fall, there were multiple reports of rapes within three blocks of my apartment. I always carry pepper spray, but I just tend to lean toward anonymity when I can.
So tonight I'm walking home from book club. It's almost 9pm, but it's June 22nd so it's really light outside. A man from my building exits the building, leading a tiny dog on a leash. I smile at the dog and happen to glance up, where my eyes meet with the dude.
"It's good to see you smile," the man says, "You're always frowning."
"Yeah, that's what people say."
"You always look so....MEAN." I'm not really sure how to reply to that, so I don't say anything.
"You'd make a good librarian!" He laughs and walks away.
I probably would make a good librarian, but I was not a huge fan of this exchange.
There's been a lot of discussion about rape on the LiveJournal the last week or so (if you've missed it, there's a summary with links here), and it just makes me think about the gendered difference of how people view things.
When I'm walking alone at night, I'm not thinking about how badly I want to go to bed or how much I want to read some manga; even if I'm talking on my phone to my boyfriend (which I make him do so someone will know exactly where I am), I'm thinking about whether or not someone could hide behind the bush I'm walking by, or how close the people on the sidewalk are to me and whether they look like they might help me if I was in trouble or if they might turn on me.
So yeah, buddy, I'm not going to smile at you or ask you how your night is going or ask you details about your personal life; I'm going to get the fuck inside my own apartment and double-bolt the door.
My friend has suggested that the next time I see this man, I should smile at his dog, and then look at the man and draw my finger across my throat while glaring. BWAHAHA.
No matter what the reason, I tend to make a conscious choice to look this way when I'm walking alone in my neighborhood. I don't live in a particularly rough area of town, but I do live downtown, by myself, in an efficiency apartment.
I came to this apartment after an uncomfortable living situation. So when I moved into my own apartment, I was elated. I felt safe, I felt comfortable, everything was MINE, and nobody would be in my space unless I invited them and they went out of their way to come over.
I don't know any of my neighbors other than a few by sight, but I don't really care to; I'd prefer not to, in fact. My apartment is where I come to be alone, and I kind of love it.
Back to my neighborhood, it's not very bad but it's not ideal. In the fall, there were multiple reports of rapes within three blocks of my apartment. I always carry pepper spray, but I just tend to lean toward anonymity when I can.
So tonight I'm walking home from book club. It's almost 9pm, but it's June 22nd so it's really light outside. A man from my building exits the building, leading a tiny dog on a leash. I smile at the dog and happen to glance up, where my eyes meet with the dude.
"It's good to see you smile," the man says, "You're always frowning."
"Yeah, that's what people say."
"You always look so....MEAN." I'm not really sure how to reply to that, so I don't say anything.
"You'd make a good librarian!" He laughs and walks away.
I probably would make a good librarian, but I was not a huge fan of this exchange.
There's been a lot of discussion about rape on the LiveJournal the last week or so (if you've missed it, there's a summary with links here), and it just makes me think about the gendered difference of how people view things.
When I'm walking alone at night, I'm not thinking about how badly I want to go to bed or how much I want to read some manga; even if I'm talking on my phone to my boyfriend (which I make him do so someone will know exactly where I am), I'm thinking about whether or not someone could hide behind the bush I'm walking by, or how close the people on the sidewalk are to me and whether they look like they might help me if I was in trouble or if they might turn on me.
So yeah, buddy, I'm not going to smile at you or ask you how your night is going or ask you details about your personal life; I'm going to get the fuck inside my own apartment and double-bolt the door.
My friend has suggested that the next time I see this man, I should smile at his dog, and then look at the man and draw my finger across my throat while glaring. BWAHAHA.
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A couple of days ago, ten minutes after closing time I was waiting for my bus, and a guy I recognized from the library came up to me. He wanted me to open up the library because he had left a jar of preserved salmon in there. And I had my customer-service angel-voice going "Sure, why not?" and my union-member devil-voice going "I'm off the clock, you're not my problem any more." And then as I was trying to step out of it gracefully, another voice whomped me with, "You are NOT going back into a desolate building alone with a guy. Not under any circumstances, and also, you don't get cell phone reception in there."
I didn't say anything to him -- just that I couldn't do it, sorry -- and I'm wondering if he picked up on any of this. Because it seems obvious to me, you don't ask a woman to go somewhere alone with you even if it's just to get your jar of preserved salmon. It really is gendered; it's the awareness in the back of your head that you don't get to walk away from.
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Just saying.
Also, I like your frowny face, and I don't think you look mean. You just look serious. There's a difference.
Also, mean = librarian??
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Back to you though. When you relayed that encounter I got a good belly-laugh out of it. I like that your response was a simple, "that's what people say." lol
I always find it condescending when people give you that "you look so much better when you smile" lecture. What is that?? You think you need to encourage me in my smiling habit because, as a lonely and pathetic soul, I can't figure it out for myself how I want my own face to look?
I like the throat gesture. Go with that.
It's unfortunate that defensive hypothetical troubleshooting is a necessary burden. Though when it comes down to it I guess it's just alertness, and everybody should be alert all the time anyway, right? If many women weren't like that simply because they are at higher risk for attack, it would almost be an example of privilege lol
Though I wonder if maybe you shouldn't reexamine your "night face." I like to look like a confident badass, but when passing someone I give the "Hey! I just looked at your face. BTW Have you noticed I look like I know everything?" smile. And go back to badass face after that. I'm sure you've been told that not making eye contact or talking on a phone can put you at higher risk because assailants think you're not paying attention or you're meek. As far as cell phones go, they're not really any good at crime prevention (what does it take, >10 seconds for a mugging?) except maybe in the rape situation (which one would imagine takes a little longer?) By the time the person on the other end calls the police and they arrive, a lot can have already happened. Not to mention all is for naught if you get pushed into a car or if there's a weapon involved.
Now I'm in a safety-funk. I much preferred talking about how you smile at dogs, but not people.
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OMG it's true!! I'm very much like that. It's pretty much a constant. I'm either on the phone with someone so they will know where I am or I'm totally on guard thinking about places that people could be hiding. It's a totally un-fun situation and it SUCKS that I feel like I NEED to feel that way while walking home at night alone. It SUCKS.
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And you're spot on about walking alone at night. I really don't think that guys realize what a privilege it is to have their guard down, or to not think about how what they wear might not only draw unwanted attention, but it might impair your ability to run or fight back.
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