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A Diary Entry From Timria
This sucks and I am well aware, but I'm in one of the moods where I just have to write something...so, here it is. Bask in my crapfulness. Or something.
I want to crawl under my covers and cry. I keep seeing the blood, keep reliving the dream...there's blood everywhere...everything is red. My eyes are watering, but I don't know why. I have nothing to cry about. Unless that's blood wanting to break free, too.
Lanif kissed me on the cheek, but he doesn't know anything about me, so I don't know how he could possibly feel anything for me. And I'm disgusted with myself. Because for the first time in my life, someone's actually took notice in me. Everyone else always converses only if it's a necessity. I've never had a real conversation with anybody. I've always been alone, and I've never understood why. But I always thought that when someone finally came along who cared, I would embrace it, and I'd be happy. But I'm not. I'm terrified. I feel like if he realizes who I am, he'll get disgusted and leave me. I certainly don't want to tell him about the dreams I've been having...he'd think I'm nuts. I probably am.
All I want is to fall asleep because at least then I don't have to consciously think. But as soon as I stop writing, the thoughts will overwhelm me...it's like they're waiting to attack or something. Maybe this is how insane people think. I don't know. I feel unsettled, and uncomfortable, but I don't want peace. I finally have something...exciting happening in my life, and I think if it all got boring again, I wouldn't be able to stand it. At least, if nothing else, I get the opportunity to see Lanif every day. Maybe everything will turn out alright after all...
I want to crawl under my covers and cry. I keep seeing the blood, keep reliving the dream...there's blood everywhere...everything is red. My eyes are watering, but I don't know why. I have nothing to cry about. Unless that's blood wanting to break free, too.
Lanif kissed me on the cheek, but he doesn't know anything about me, so I don't know how he could possibly feel anything for me. And I'm disgusted with myself. Because for the first time in my life, someone's actually took notice in me. Everyone else always converses only if it's a necessity. I've never had a real conversation with anybody. I've always been alone, and I've never understood why. But I always thought that when someone finally came along who cared, I would embrace it, and I'd be happy. But I'm not. I'm terrified. I feel like if he realizes who I am, he'll get disgusted and leave me. I certainly don't want to tell him about the dreams I've been having...he'd think I'm nuts. I probably am.
All I want is to fall asleep because at least then I don't have to consciously think. But as soon as I stop writing, the thoughts will overwhelm me...it's like they're waiting to attack or something. Maybe this is how insane people think. I don't know. I feel unsettled, and uncomfortable, but I don't want peace. I finally have something...exciting happening in my life, and I think if it all got boring again, I wouldn't be able to stand it. At least, if nothing else, I get the opportunity to see Lanif every day. Maybe everything will turn out alright after all...